Does this mean anything?

in 2005 my cousin hung herself and ever since iv felt kinda like in the back of my head I'm being told I should kill myself too. one time I started to suffocate myself but I stopped. then another time I stood in front of a rack of ropes and tried to pick out which one to hang myself with. I never touched the ropes though. why do I feel like I'm being told to do this stuff and why do I find myself almost giving in sometimes?